Achieve "True Spiritual Enlightenment and Freedom"

For something I think—no, know—to be bullshit, I picked something I have personal experience with:  The Church of Scientology.  That’s right—a couple of years ago, some friends and I trekked down to their location in downtown Minneapolis to fill out the free survey they’re always talking about.  Although I didn’t come away as an enlightened being, I was already comfortable calling BS on the fact they consider themselves a religious organization and are, therefore, a tax-exempt organization.

Now, if you had never heard of Tom Cruise, Will Smith or South Park, you might actually think Scientology is a real church, and you might actually consider its beliefs to be halfway legitimate.  Here’s an excerpt from the “What is Scientology?” portion of the Church of Scientology’s official website, www.Scientology.org.  

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“WHAT IS SCIENTOLOGY?

Developed by L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology is a religion that offers a precise path leading to a complete and certain understanding of one’s true spiritual nature and one’s relationship to self, family, groups, Mankind, all life forms, the material universe, the spiritual universe and the Supreme Being.
Scientology addresses the spirit—not the body or mind—and believes that Man is far more than a product of his environment, or his genes.
Scientology comprises a body of knowledge which extends from certain fundamental truths. Prime among these are:
Man is an immortal spiritual being.
His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime.
His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized.
Scientology further holds Man to be basically good, and that his spiritual salvation depends upon himself, his fellows and his attainment of brotherhood with the universe.
Scientology is not a dogmatic religion in which one is asked to accept anything on faith alone. On the contrary, one discovers for oneself that the principles of Scientology are true by applying its principles and observing or experiencing the results.
The ultimate goal of Scientology is true spiritual enlightenment and freedom for all.”

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Worldview                                                                                                                                                                                                                            If you’re a good Scientologist (and this is a pretty involved religion, so if you’re going to try it out you might as well be) than your worldview is dictated almost entirely by the one, the only, L. Ron Hubbard (notice in the cut ‘n’ pasted portion above how he’s mentioned even before the Supreme Being it/him/what/herself).  Please keep in mind though—“The ultimate goal of Scientology is true spiritual enlightenment and freedom for all”…which can only be achieved, fo course, by doing everything this one guy says.  Indeed, while these statements may be dichotomous and polarizing, they are not to the extent that one is paralyzed; in fact, one is liberated from this groupthink mindset!  In this way, Scientology may have performed the biggest mindf*ck since the first time you watched Fight Club your freshman year of college, made one of its quotes your Facebook status, and wouldn’t stop batting the idea of starting your own Fight Club around for the next six months.

(Rhetoric as) Cultural Work                                                                                                                                    Obviously, the Church of Scientology and its accompanying doctrine has had profound social implications (and no, I’m not talking about the entire season of Southpark or so entirely devoted to it).  If nothing else, L. Ron Hubbard’s mind baby has only strengthened cultural scientists’/Ben’s/Robin’s worry that we may someday be overcome by the mob.  Just think about it:  if there’s enough people to buy into Scientology as to fuel a halfway legitimate-looking website, how many will join the opposing side’s cause when World War III rolls around?

Strategy of Condescension                                                                                                                                                                                        Like all good salespeople on those half-hour infomercials you watch at 6:30 on Saturday mornings (I love you, Ron Popeil), the Church of Scientology is very good at snubbing its nose at others and implanting an artificial need to belong to crackpot organizations in others.  It also helps that quite a few Scientology followers are picked up off the streets…quite literally.  Scientology focuses much of its efforts   I don't know what would destroy your ability to conjure critical thought to a greater extent (not to mention pay your bills), Scientology or crack cocaine, but I have a feeling it would close (and hey, at least with the latter you get a sense of euphoria).

But hey, if you're looking for some good science fiction, L. Ron's your man.